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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion
General Climbing Discussion
Have you heard about the latest McDonalds hamburger? It's called the Michael McJackson, its a 40 year old piece of meat slapped between two 8 year old buns.
On 7/09/2012 Macciza wrote:
>A young child watches a climbing documentary, totally enthralled by the
>climbing lifestyle . . .
>The child turns to the parent and proudly says 'When I grow up, I am going
>to be a rock climber!'
>The parent looks down apologetically and replies " Sorry dear, but you
>can't do both . . ."
Either my coffee hasn't kicked in yet, or I'm just a little slow, but it definitely took me way longer than it should have to get that...:(
This reminded me of pmonk's rainbow awesomes:
Not sure if anyone has shared this one before, but I think it's gold :-D
Very good Mz Jody, but I found the accent a bit grating.
On 7/09/2012 Mr widewetandslippery wrote:
>in due respect Mrs10 that was poor.
The taste all depends where you have your tongue Mr wws!
>I am working on an offensive joke I will pm it to you to help with maximum
Looking forward to it dearie.
Knowing from your posts that you like a beer and have a thing about catholics and police I have found a couple more ordainry funnies that you can saviour at your leisure?
After getting all of Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen,' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell,' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 180 kph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Someone posted a link to always looking on the bright side of death song in an interesting discussion earlier this week, and Derek my M10 love said it reminded him of this joke for some reason, that I am sure you will appreciate Mr wws.
Bill, Harry and Fred (not their real names) we're installing wind generators, the big-uns. Everything is going along peachy until Harry falls from the top, lands on the ground with a thud and bounce. Instant death.
Bill and Fred are distraught, don't really know what to do, as this hasn't happened to either of them before. They decide to the best course of action is to contact Harry's wife. She hasn't got a mobile, no answer from the home phone, so Bill heads off to tell her face to face. Fred goes off to tell the boss and fill out the incident report, organise for the accident to be addressed.
Later that day after Fred see's Bill walking down the street with a carton, runs over to him to find out why he has a carton of beer just after one of his workmates just had a terrible accident. Well I went to Harry's place, knocked on the door, Harry's wife answers.
I ask her "You must be Harry's widow?"
"NO I think you have the wrong person, my Harry is very much alive and well"
"Bet ya a carton he's not"
Thanks mrsm10m , not my joke but....
A man and a little girl walk into a state forest on a moonless night.
Little girl says "I'm scared"
Man replies " you're scared? I'm going to have to walk out of here alone"
Good afternoon Chockstone dearies. Isn't it lovely spring weather we are having? A lovely day like today is certainly conducive to getting out and doing more climbing to shake off the winter decline in fitness, and much more fun than this fellow; who reminds me of Mr simey but I am not sure why.
A man calls a company and orders their 5 day, 3kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kms later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 3kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day, 7kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens, with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 7kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day, 15kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the rep on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads;
"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 25kg that week.
Yoo hoo Mr kuu! Waving at you madly from over here while sipping on a cuppa, and hoping you are enjoying one too dearie.
Derek my M10 love tells me that appreciation of subtlety comes in many forms, and puns and such are not always easily grasped by those who take life altogether too seriously, as things are sometimes not what they seem at first glance. He told me this joke about a fellow who got caught out, to illustrate his point.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand . . ..
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Due to IT ineptitude I was unable to get a photo up, but check out the border watch website if you can't believe that this constitutes journalism in SA's 2nd largest city...2 pages in the local rag a couple of weeks back.
Not quite the Toolondo fish man, but at least our Lego man survived his hot weather dress up...
Lego Man brings smiles to Mount Gambier
By EMMA D'AGOSTINO
Sept. 19, 2012, 9:17 a.m.
WHEN the rain is away, Mount Gambier's own giant Lego Man comes out to play.
At first, city residents spotted a tall man doing a lap around the iconic Blue Lake with a Lego head.
But one little boy, although impressed, appeared to notice the headpiece was a step short of a full costume.
"The kid asked, 'Mummy why doesn't he have the full suit?'" the city's colourful character told The Border Watch.
From then on, Legoman said, civilian clothing simply would not do.
So he purchased over 130 metres of cotton, a heap of felt, a box of safety pins and one-and-a-half litres of glue, along with a huge piece of foam.
And when he got home, Lego Man set to work.
"We come in pieces," he chuckled.
Lego Man and his trusty assistant Lego Mum spent a month hand-sewing and constructing the full costume, which literally comes in pieces.
Suiting up means donning special Lego Man shoes,
Lego Man legs, hands, a torso and the iconic Lego Man head.
Lego Man told The Border Watch he had considered padding out his arms too, but decided he needed some support for the occasional accident.
"I've tripped before," he said.
And standing at well over six feet tall, the Blue Lake city's giant Lego Man certainly had some height to fall.
He does not know exactly how tall he is, even without the suit.
But Lego Man does know that he outstrips the average height chart in most doctor's surgeries.
"The scale only goes so high," he said.
He is also taller than most door frames, and had to duck in The Border Watch office to avoid knocking his head.
It's not the first time the man beneath the suit has wowed an Australian audience with an attention-grabbing adventure.
Seven years ago, the 24-year-old collapsed on a traffic island dressed as Ned Kelly.
"I didn't know the armour would get that hot," he said, explaining he did not think to take a water bottle along.
His suit was made from two discarded computer monitors.
But what motivates him to devote Mount Gambier's rare sunny days to the effort of becoming a supersized foam toy is the reaction it elicits from the locals.
"I do it to make people smile - seeing a six-foot tall Lego Man would cheer anyone up," Lego Man said.
The man said the community's response to Lego Man - whose head he had initially borrowed from a friend, who created it for a party - had been electric.
On one outing as just Lego Head, the emerging local identity stumbled on a wedding party.
"One of the bridesmaids walked over and was asking 'can you take a photo with us for the wedding?'" he said.
"I should have dressed for the occasion, but Lego Man didn't have ties."
And after he had made the rest of his suit, Lego Man started venturing out on more walks.
One of them was around Adelaide's AVCon, or Anime and Video Games Convention, where he attracted the attention of a camera crew.
To get there, he took three bags of Lego Man pieces on a bus to the state capital.
Lego Man has also been out on the town with the suit, much to the excitement of Mount Gambier's revellers, and once walked from Wireless Road West to Commercial Street East.
"Lego Man was very sweaty - I could've melted that day," he said.
But by far his most popular jaunt remains his laps of the Blue Lake, a feat which is drawing increasing attention via social media such as Facebook.
As the weather improves, Lego Man said he expects to see more photos of himself online.
"I'm the only one in the world - unique," he said.
"There's one in America too, but he's only got a fibreglass head."
Lego Man is hopeful for a future filled with a Lego Car, a Lego Cup and - perhaps most importantly - a Lego Lady.
His idea of an "epic" experience would be visiting any of the many Legoland theme parks.
But until then, Lego Man said he was thinking of new ways to put his suit to good use.
"I might be going for the Zombie Walk as Zombie Lego this year," he said.
"Or do the Fun Run in the Lego Suit - I'm even considering visiting sick kids at the hospital."
And what should people do if they spot him?
"Just smile," Lego Man said
Hello Chockstone dearies. Isn't it good to be getting warmer weather lately. It is so much better to be getting out and climbing instead of throwing stones, err posts, onto this lovely site or putting up with the occasional spam it receives? Thank you lovely moderators for keeping that in check, as I did notice it disappear the other day.
We all have to make choices.
A golden haired man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up at Horsham. You're going to be ok, you'll play footie again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been chasing women for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your latest conquest. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his latest.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your latest?"
"Yes I have," says the golden haired man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
Yoo hoo Mr egosan. I heard you have been in the wars a bit lately and I do hope you are now feeling better. If not, then here is something for you to contemplate.
Derek my M10 love was chatting to a woman in the Nati pub last night, and telling her of his uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in his hands.
She thought he was having her on but was curious none the less.
Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said "go on then, give it a go!"
He stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer and asked;
"When was I born then?"
I was not sure whether to laugh or biff him.
Derek my M10 love is a bit of a scoundral at times. He recently sandbagged a visiting tourist at Bondi and this is what he told me about it.
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie (Derek!), who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"f---in great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
After reading the thread Only True Hard Men Need Apply, on Chockstone this week; Derek told me this incident to pass on to the readers as he thinks it is relevant.
True Hard Man.
Three climbers were using the urinal in a public toilet at Horsham. The boulderer finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sink and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "In the bouldering dungeon, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the toilet in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent, a sport climber, zipped up, marched briskly to the sink, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," In the climbing gym, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the toilet with a purposeful air.
The third man, an old trad climber, finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "On multipitch, we learned not to piss on our hands."
2 drunks stagger out of a bar only to see a dog licking his balls at the bottom of the stairs.
One drunk says to another "geesh I'd like to be able to do that"
Other drunk takes a look and says"I dunno mate,he looks kind vicious you might want to start by patting him"
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks perhaps the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place."
That was terrible PDRM.
The Dog Paradox
So my wife comes home last night. I had been pining away, but lit up when I saw her pretty face. I admit she'd had a rough day, but all of a sudden she unloaded on how supper was not ready....but, I was not to take that personally....oh, yeah. Never mind that I had unclogged two drains, paid the bills, balanced the checkbook, done a few loads of washing. Fresh sheets were on the bed. Did the grocery shopping. Made the lunch she took to school. Had hors d'oeuvres ready when she got home and handed her a mug of French beer. I'm telling you, I need and value your sympathy. A husband's work is always incomplete. Thank goodness my girlfriend is more understanding.
On 19/10/2012 White Gold wrote:
Good afternoon lovely Chockstoners. Hasn't it been an exciting time lately at Arapiles with all the hard ascents being made, and especially nice to see Punks go down to a lady!
On a different note, Derek my M10 love tells me that not everyone tells the truth on this lovely site, but those who get told by others on the site probably get the truth. When I replied that he was confusing me he said to ponder on these jokes for a while and I may understand.
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.
Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, and 12 !!!
A man walks into a pharmacist with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for sixth form boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for university men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?"
he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March......
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A root ", Paddy replies.
I am still confused as I think Derek is just fixated with sex when he isn't climbing.
Truth is pretty basic?
Yoo hoo Mr Dalai, how's it going in Moderator land? I notice you have been busy saying goodbye to newbies wanting to share with us lately. Are you going on a trip dearie?
If you do, Derek my M10 love advises that you be careful how it gets reported!
A Melbourne boulderer on holidays is riding his pushbike by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
He jumps off, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The rider replies, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a conservative party supporter'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
I really shouldn't make light of our hard working Moderators as they are the ones who have to read all the fine print on this lovely site while the rest of us simply enjoy the Chocky flavour.
Perhaps these newbies can read some fine print themselves and take a lesson from the management style that is so effective here?
A Management Lesson.
A Trad Climber wanted to screw a girl in his office..... but she belonged to someone else.....
One day Trad Climber got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
"I'll give you a $500 dollars if you let me screw you". But the girl said NO.
Trad Climber said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boulderer boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $1,000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after an hour has elapsed the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "We have just finished, the bastard used coins".
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
(Derek my M10 love wants to know if this post has anything to do with Mr ajfclark's post about Rock Magazine management's facebook preferences!)
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