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Who hates Chris Baxter? 2-Apr-2008 At 10:07:38 PM JamesMc

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Hope the VCC doesn't mind me ripping off the November 91 issue of Argus. It may shed some light on the current discussion.

JamesMc....

PS Does anyone know who Jason Ramsbottom was, apart from editor of Gaytime Magazine? (BA let someone else have a go first.)

________________________________________________________________

MASTERMIND by Jason Ramsbottom
The following is the transcript of a recent studio recording of the
ever popular ABC quiz show Mastermind. To be broadcast in early 1992.
Quiz Master: Tonight’s Mastermind contestant is Mr Peter Watling of Richmond, Victoria who is a professional tea drinker with Sunshine City Council. His special subject is “The Life and Crimes of Chris Baxter”.
Mr Watling, your questions begin now,
QM: Name two internationally famous climbers whose initials are C.B.
PW: Chris Baxter and er, ah, that pommy bloke, oh what’s his name...
QM: The second climber is Chris Bonington.
Can you demonstrate Chris Baxter’s climbing technique?
PW: “Watch me mate...”
QM: Correct.
What is Chris Baxter’s climbing nick-name?
PW: Melon.
QM: Correct.
Does this remind you of a Persian proverb?
PW: A women for duty, a boy for pleasure, but a melon for ecstasy.
QM: Correct.
Why was he called Melon?
PW: Because “Viz” magazine and “Buster Gonad” had not been published back then.
QM: Correct.
What is Chris Baxter’s worst nightmare?
PW: Being on a climb with Mike Law and hearing the words “It’s too hard for me, you have a try Chris.”
QM: Correct.
And his second worst nightmare?
PW: Going on a hot air balloon flight and discovering that the pilot is Chris Dewhirst.
QM: Correct.
And his next worst nightmare?
PW: Travelling as a passenger with Geoff Gledhill driving.
QM: Correct.
What is Geoff Gledhill’s worst nightmare?
PW: Travelling as a passenger when Chris Baxter is driving.
QM: Correct.
Why is this Geoff’s worst nightmare?
PW: You’d need to know the story behind the climb name “Roaming Hands” at Worthless Wall in the Gramps.
QM: I would rather not know.
Name ten climbs that were named for Chris Baxter.
PW: Assistance Required, Blind Ambition, Eternal Youth, Fat Dude, F Sharp, He’s A
Lumberjack, Hidden Vice, Vile Habits, Come Up And Winch Me Sometime, Clawing
Wildly, Out To Pasture, Too Hard, Block And Tackle, Lunging For Melon’s, Melon Was
Here, Melanoma.... Need I say more?
QM: No!
QM: Can you tell us the true story of Chris Baxter’s jeans that were buried below “Cecilia” at Mt Arapiles?
PW: It’s more than my life’s worth!
QM: Correct!
QM: Of which climbing clubs has Chris Baxter been a member?
PW: Monash Bushwalkers Club!!!, Melbourne University Mountaineering Club and the Victorian Climbing Club of which he is a life member.
QM: Correct. His life membership of MUMC was of course a hoax.
Which notable climbing club of the 60s and 70s refused Chris Baxter’s supplication for membership?
PW: RMIT
QM: Correct.
What was Chris Baxter’s comment at his rejection?
PW: “I wouldn’t want to join any club that would have me as a member.”
QM: Correct.
How often has Chris Baxter offered as a wager to eat his underpants?
PW: As often as he’s had hot dinners.
QM: Correct.
What was Chris Baxter’s most memorable meal in Britain?
PW: Steamed leopard skin jocks in the Plas y Brennan dining hail.
QM: Correct.
What was Chris Baxter’s most memorable meal in Australia?
PW: Licking my boots in the Barbican campsite after the first ascent of “The Pirate”.
QM: Correct. The current guidebook is in error in ascribing this incident to the first ascent of “Rapier”.
What is Chris Baxter’s attitude to aids?
PW: He’s bloody glad it wasn’t about in the 60s and 70s.
QM: I mean direct aid Mr Watling.
PW: He’s bloody glad it was about in the 60s and 70s.
QM: Correct.
How did Chris Baxter ensure that the first aided ascent of Ozymandias at Mt Buffalo would be pushed through regardless?
PW: By shitting down the initial corners from Big Grassy, thus making retreat unthinkable - the evacuation that ended all evacuations!
QM: Do you have any proof of that Mr Watling?
PW: Not personally, but all the guests of the chalet who were out at dawn with their telephoto lenses have photographic proof.
QM: Correct.
Do you know the origin of Chris Baxter’s long standing antipathy to Bill Andrews?
PW: Buggered if I know.
QM: Correct.
What is Chris Baxter’s favourite Welsh climbing venue?
PW: Pass.
QM: Correct. The Llanberis Pass.
Name an inappropriate tool with which to file down bolts.
PW: A wood rasp.
QM: Surely you’re joking Mr Watling?
PW: I kid you not!
QM: Who accompanied Chris Baxter on a weekend climbing trip, after having been informed that Chris Baxter hated swearing and would not tolerate it?
PW: Andrew Thomson.
QM: Correct.
How long did it take Thomson to realise that he had been hoaxed?
PW: 36 hours - he was too young to know what most of the words meant.
QM: Correct.
How many sentences had Chris Baxter spoken in that time that contained no swearing?
PW: Five?
QM: The correct answer is two, and the sentences were; “Hullo Mrs Thomson” and “Is Andrew ready to go?”
QM: What was the name of the (fictitious) American micro-peg for which Chris Baxter wrote to Yvon Chouinard requesting information?
PW: (loud belch) Beg pardon.
QM: Correct. It was the Beyond Ultimate Reality Piton, or BURP.
What was Chouinard’s reply?
PW: Surely you’re joking Mr Baxter.
QM: Correct.
What is Chris Baxter’s view on sexual exploitation in outdoor magazines?
PW: It should be on the front cover - look at Wild, numbers 1 8, 22 & 34.
QM: Correct.
Chris Baxter’s full name is usually given as Christopher R. Baxter. What was he christened?
PW: Christopher Robin Baxter.
QM: Correct.
To what did he change his name by deed poll in 1 969?
PW: Christopher Royalrobbins Baxter.
QM: Correct, and your time is up.
I say that advisedly, as the studio has just received a writ from Michael Stone, of Messrs Sue, Grabbit and Runne (solicitors and commissioners for oaths) claiming damages for breach of copyright on most of your answers - he says he’s been dining out on those stories for years.
The network has arranged to place you in its contestant protection program. You will be given a completely new identity. How about a clean shaven Mormon missionary who can climb grade 22 off-width? No one will know you then! You’ll have to give up tea and alcohol though pardon, you would rather eat your underpants you say.
.