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John Ewbank - RIP 12-Dec-2013 At 4:21:05 PM BA

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From the Central Victoria Guide edited by Chris Baxter.

.As I was saying. The Cretlins of Hysteria are not unique as a race. The people are generally small in stature, with miniscule minds, contemporary pygmies in a world of Stunted actions and ideas. Naturally they feel very at ease in the flattest continent on earth, where even the mountains are stunted down to beaten stumps, and throw off only apologies in place of shadows.

The Cretlins love to live in groups, but fail at both and instead they exist lovelessly alone in clubs and families. For the Cretlins' principle rule is to obey the Cretlin Guide to Cretlin Consciousness, which states, quite clearly "Any lie is better than none, and two Cretlins is better than one," and ends on the Victorious chant "Once a Cretlin, always a Cretlin. Cretlins for ever. Ra Ra Ra".

The Cretlins are happy living in Hysteria, for not only is it the flattest continent on the planet, it is also one of the driest and hottest, where the sunshine and lethargy are most conducive to living out the Cretlin way of death, and following the Cretlin Creed of Active Outdoor Sporting Activities. Hysterial Cretlins have become Internationally Famous as Good Shortsmen, as Cricketeers, Sufis and Gloflers. The males of the nation are the world's criterion of Good Fair Shortsmanship.

In recent years a new sport has taken a hold on the hearts and minds of a small but very enthusiastic number of Hysterials, while remaining unknown to the rest of the Western World. This is the sport of Rock Skiing. I have heard of fanatical Cretlins driving anything up to three thousand miles in a weekend to get to their favourite rock or clifface. It is in fact to tell you about this that I agreed to write this foreword to your Rock Climbling Gum boot.

You are familiar, I have no doubt, with the traditional forms of skiing. In snow skiing one proceeds downwards, across a snow covered hillside, assisted by gravity. In water skiing one travels horizontally across the top of a hole filled with water, assisted by a speedboat. Rock skiing is revolutionary. A Rock Skier travels straight up the sides of cliffs, assisted by a jet plane and steel cable.

Perhaps you can imagine the thrill? An indication is the great rise in popularity of the sport. All the Cretlin Rock Climbling Clubs in the country have now been taken over by the Hysterial Rock Skiers Association. No Rock Climblers can be found anywhere. They are skiing up cliffaces at speeds up to 765 m.p.h., (the current national record), or haggling in the Rock Skiing Shops, trying to trade in great piles of lumberous climbing equipment on a new pair of Bryden Moss stainless steels with universal ball bearing tips.

"Central Wisteria", said Big Crackster, "a foreword of a few hundred turds". "Small cliffs", he said, "and scattered". That's all right. It might be a short ride, but it will be a good take off. A fast landrover and a stout rope will be adequate for your first attempt. Here is the Rock Climbers Guide to Central Victoria, but who will be the first Cretlin to ski up Seven Acre Rock? He will be forever remembered in the anus of International Mountaineering Literature as a true Hysterial. An Arab amongst the bank clerks.

John Ewbank,
Cretlin Mansions,
Sydney, September, 1973.