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Friday Funnies 19-Jul-2013 At 3:55:36 PM MrsM10iswhereitsat.

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On 6/07/2013 Mr climberman wrote:
>On 5/07/2013 capt_mulch wrote:
>>Good one MrsM10 - it reminds me of a joke.
>
>
>Smooth.

And a smooth pickup too Mr climberman.

Derek my M10 love got sacked from his job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69. He really is appalling sometimes. Just like his friend who cries after sex. Mind you, his friend is in prison.
Derek is not always that way though. Sometimes he is quite thoughtful, and just the other day he astonished me with his powers of deduction.

He mowed the lawn, and after doing so he sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally he thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he came up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason that he told me for his conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

He rests his case, and says it’s time for another beer.

I have documented some of his thoughts over the years and created a Dereks' Top Tips list of them. Here they are for mass consumption, but beware, I haven't tried any of them out personally, so can't vouch for their effectiveness, however I am sure he means well.

Dereks' Top Tips.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bloody thing in the first place.

Save on expensive booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again .

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, as that will reduce the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Subaru drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.