Chockstone Forum

      Sponsored By
      ROCK
   HARDWARE

Chockstone Photography

Australian Landscape Prints

Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

Topic Date User

Friday Funnies 22-Dec-2012 At 3:32:18 PM MrsM10iswhereitsat.

Message

Derek my M10 love and I wish all you Chockstone dearies a happy Christmas, and the best of climbing for 2013.

It is a busy time of year at the moment what with the festive season in full swing, and Friday came and went too quickly yesterday, but Derek has found a number of things for me to share with you (late), that seem to sum up the Christmas we all know and love in these modern days we live in, especially after having survived the Mayan end of the world prophecy recently.

Latest message from OHS.

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, DoCS have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman?

• 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
• 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
• 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
• 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
• 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

• Why doesn’t Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
• Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
• What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs.
• Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
• How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!
• What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
• What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?? A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!
• On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure."Jesus Christ!" he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, "Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?"
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
• What did the big candle say to the little candle? I’m going out tonight!
• What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards!
• What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
• Where do mistletoe go to become famous? “Holly” wood!
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
• How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls.

Little Timmy writes to Santa

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
________________________________________

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
________________________________________

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs Nice” contract,set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
________________________________________

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
________________________________________

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
________________________________________